STUDY - Technical - WRITING
a
nEW mORNING of an old pain
A
new way of understanding what is happening
His
head was throbbing with pain, dissolving into the general
malaise… His chest was just a cold hole immersed in terror,
driving his heart somewhere in his head, towards the back of his
head, throbbing, hitting him in an accelerated rhythm, like a
small dizzying, painful hammer …From his short existence as a patient, he knew that there was not much he could do, that the end was near…
But he had taken his medication! What else could he do? The phone was too far away to call the ambulance… Helplessly he tried to pray, but…
He only had the strength to crouch on the floor, face down, with his head in his arms, so as not to hit himself in the fall… He succeeded!
He had one more gesture to make… So that his breath would free him from the feeling of suffocation… To turn back, face up, to greet infinity with one last prayer…
But he got lost in the much too earnest effort required for this twist…
And
he perceived, somehow, that he was above him… Like in the movies
where the soul leaves the body…He tried to figure out what was going on, but he began to move with dizzying speed away from his body… Reaching out to him in a clinging gesture, to stay there, with him…
Everything was moving too fast… He couldn’t make out anything intelligible… No matter how hard he tried… Just shades of color in speed…
He found himself in huge, vast, light arena filled with groups of… People…
Slowing down, he felt warmth, friendship, gratitude, love, empathy… Overwhelmingly pleasant, soothing, alluring sensations…
He reached what seemed to be his destination, stopping… For a moment… To identify…
They are my family! The feelings he was experiencing were without a doubt… But he didn’t recognize them, he just felt them… Clearly… They don’t even realize that I’m here…
Am
I a ghost among souls?She is the mother-in-law… Strange, but I feel like I want to reach her, talk to her…
But you feel that he is not allowed to do this… He is not at that level of evolution, he cannot associate… Even though he had loved her throughout her life… Even though he had many unspoken words towards her…
Moving away, he understood that he was moving in a circle, repeating a kind of route he had been on before…
That is my mother… But, as before, he felt diverted, distant… She was a soul far too young… Too distant from him, from his energy…
But…
Mom? Think or cry out of longing… Walking away without accepting
that you can’t go anywhere… At least now…Why? The question came that seemed to describe the sum of his emotions now…
Now you are too angry at what she was! When you understand this, you will be able to date her. You can’t disturb her. And so, she has too many regrets…
Where do these answers come from?
Then, his attention was drawn to a group that seemed to be the place he was supposed to be. The fact that they were coming towards him, full of the joy of the reunion, had corrupted his perceptions, through a kind of common harmony…
Joy, surprise, love, longing… An amalgam of wonderful, overwhelming emotions… Attractive…
Perception strengthened by a clear feeling, of belonging “always”, of common being in an innumerable series of cohabitations, of lives on the same road…
Hey,
are you still wandering around here? It’s not your time! Go
back!The questioning stunned him, unpleasantly, in contrast to what he felt even now… But he answered, piteously:
But my body is far too damaged to continue!
That you think? Bodies have the power to move on… All that is needed to get back on track is in the physical being, all that is necessary for that is in your being, the whole of life is always within your reach…
You have nothing else to do but get involved for real, with a purpose!
And how do I do that? I feel so alone, so forsaken!
The people in my life are all gone! With each anniversary we were less and less, weaker.
From here you became aware of the perception of approaching death. But that’s not important, fear… It makes you run away; love makes you get involved! This is engagement!
The young people scattered in their ways, in their interests, in…
They
just got involved in what they love, fear, desire… Absorbed in
involvement… Isolating themselves to do what they must do… By no
means leaving you!Why are you acting like a petulant little child? Anyway, you are born and live in diapers, then you always want to come back, to be cared for by those around you… The rest of your life, which you want as long as possible…
As some kind of assurance that age will allow you to wear diapers permanently… That you deserve it because your whole life you’ve taken care of everyone, being by their side, permanently, and now you think you deserve to be praised for living in diapers …
Your parable is a bit strange…
It is not a parable, it is reality! Don’t you constantly complain that you feel like you haven’t done anything in your life, that you haven’t achieved anything? Even from what you think you wanted, that you deserved…
Or from the petty behavior that is born from the hopelessness of smallness to demand what others have, you yourself believing with all your being that you are the same as them, or even better than those who stimulated you to think this way, decreeing that, you too you deserve it?
You are the result of your actions! The steps of your life have led to this! Somewhat personal…
You were born on a road… You can go crazy, on the plains, to change the road… Finding that it doesn’t offer you something pleasant, compatible with you, at least available to you… Or even finding that path… To make, what?
But, in most cases, you will get lost…
The
known way is the safest! You get there faster, and you can pick
up where you left off!But let’s give credit to your choice, the search for change! Won’t you meet one road, another, it’s true, but isn’t it all a road? You can’t continue in the “wilderness”! And from there?
Especially since you’re tired, working for your rides… That you’re exhausted, that your body is exhausted, that you’re tired… “Blah, blah”s… Do you think if you were young, it was different? Didn’t you have less experience?
You can complain all you want! You don’t want to go your own way, that’s okay… It’s your choice, this is where your steps have taken you…
But you will take that road again… On the road you didn’t like, and left it, where all your choice brought you… So how do we do it?
Especially since, resuming the road, it is very possible to choose the path of your desires, which desires you lived, made you choose a “known” road…
And, if you have found yourself in the desert, in helplessness, in despair, will you endlessly search for a new way? Which one do you think it will be?
Or
will you go to work? The Taj Mahal, a wonder of you, of beings,
a symbol of love, is born from the pain of loss… Step by step…
Regardless of the pain relived with each passing day…The desire to wander here and there, around the world, through all kinds of wonderful, desirable places, even for the record, will not help you!
Moreover, it will confuse you… You will have more places to see again, to resume the effort to get there, blah, blah… Memories that will take you away from your true path…
You think you can stay here! In what you call heaven…
For you, faster than you can imagine, it will become hell, how much work you will have to take care of the beings… With all the confusions and injustices produced by them…
Or boredom… The same hell will be… There is no play here!
Why are we joking here: He‘ll do his job?
So is it better to be, to do your small but wonderful job, selfishly reducing yourself to what you must live for, or to be in a lesser hell, helping or not, with the others you meet on your paths, trying to get as close as possible to heaven…
One of your possibilities, for yourself or for those around you…
And don’t forget that every day, regardless of the existence you live in, accumulates on your way!
Come on, the morning is coming for you… Get back into your body and do your job!
He opened his eyes looking at the ceiling…
Am
I still here? No advice at all? Something wise? Something useful
for what I must do…He sighed and tried to get up… To perceive, without wanting to… The pain in his back… His old pain…
But he couldn’t complain too much… The sun had risen long ago, and he felt he had work to do…
Come on old man, do your job! Every day counts!
Note: Images
are created by me, Merticaru Dorin Nicolae, using Microsoft
Bing Image Creator.
Dorin, Merticaru
(01.27, 2024)