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"Around the Worlds"
Mircea Dan
Day 1, Part 4 - Indecision

           He waking up from sleep… The message?!? But his eyes meet the darkness and he lay soft, drawn by the weakness of the sleepiness, back on the armchair. He was annoyed by confusion, the feeling so well known to him once, shaking everything that could solve his state of peace. Was his fatalism the winner?
            I have to think of something specific… But what? His thoughts were bustle spasmodically: when the flight maneuvers, when silence, when Ema, when Ada, when Thank, when bits of perceptions from transport flights, a new quiet…
            He decided to seek something to do to stop the avalanche of feelings. He arranges everything he thought fit, mechanically or not. In the end, he turns around the room, trying to find something to cling to, probably forgotten, but he woke up fixing the wake-up alarm.
            "All right, I’m done!" decree tired. I’m not in the mood for anything… Not even to have a new commitment. As I though I still had some credits available?!?
            And, almost unconsciously, accessing his financial state at the communications terminal.
            Ha, ha, ha… 25 credits… Well, with these credits, I have all the time at my disposal to calm down! Maybe so, therefore, I have some time to clarifying things with Ema… But how? In what way?!? How good for us? Or, moreover, for me… Ema seems happy only to be near me.
            New and new avalanches of thoughts began to harass him, to crush him. In a desperate effort decided to lie down on the bed to fall asleep… But sleep doesn’t stick to him.
            The loneliness imposed by the transport flights had left his mark on him. He had become strangely curious, the kind of permanent seeker. The frustrations of life until then, and, why not, from future, make him to seek the truth, to understand the essence of what he had lived…
            A truth that didn't want to show its true face, to be present, tangible, at least by his decision as an assessor of what he had lived… Or… Was there nothing to his liking?!?
            For this reason, he came to a dislike every moment of loneliness… But this was his life. He was bound by his profession to spend his time alone, on long-haul transport flights. And, that… Sure maddening and more as long as you had things on which you didn’t find solutions whatever you did…
            When he had an opportunity to talk with somebody from his guild… They were all genuine taciturn. With whom can exchange experience, opinions?!? With whom to talk to?!? How to ask someone’s opinion on the riddles of his life?!?
            The company computer, the one who knows it all, but with its own retouching, came with other solutions… "Great winning?!?" laughed in his own right about this loss. The life of the pilots, perhaps of anybody, was dominated by what would be called directly, a volunteer insight.
            Often, this became unbearable if you had something on your soul if you were searching for something. And whatever he was trying to do wouldn’t have had any chance… Because he couldn’t accept the past and possible future course of the events he had lived.
            Perhaps this is "secret" of the relationship with Ema. He sought to have a maximum stability with the help of a soul mate, with the help of someone in whose arms to find peace that did not feel it in his mother's arms, in the bosom of his family.
            Hmmm, what a mate?!? Then why I don't feel that? At least after passing several years together… I admit, the first years, the beginning, it was wonderful. Then… Ohhh…?!?
Ironically there is the Holy Power… For Ada I fought like a madman no matter what happens, regardless of what I was living and, after a while, "great wonder", I’ve got now to see that Ema does the same thing for me…
            But I cannot suffer to see that there’s another Dan, be he a woman and named Ema. The remnants started to be too high, unbearable. I still have my soul dust, almost the same as when Ada "got rid of me" and threw himself into the arms of Thank.
            She’s without remorse or other such… I’m full of remorse… I’m so dusty that I don't want to throw myself anymore in other arms, no matter how well I will be… For fear of causing other suffering… Ohhh, Ema…
            Then when, with the breakup with Ada, that’s how he came to the desire to be a “zero pilot” and to the constant desire for contact with them. The legends related to them could be found anywhere either because of the propaganda or simply by the curiosity of finding them. He had heard of the complexity of training of these pilots, but also of the totally different nature of what he considered to be "the normal dull of his tangible life ".
            I don’t think there’s so much to ask in vain for these guys… And their own way of being, as if they always live the last day of their lives, and talk as many as possible, to love as much as possible… Doesn’t emerge from nothing… It must perceive from something strange missions these feelings.
            Even the way to advance in their hierarchical structure says everything… Achievements, bravery, virtue, highlighting… Many things related to the reactions in the missions… Otherwise, there would have been just delimitation based on seniority and skills…
            He had long talked with those like him and even with the zero pilots. But he still doesn’t succeed to get a full idea about what they were doing. It’s dangerous, but it's worth it! They said, in a kind of unison that it was impossible not to lead you to the idea of a standard response, imposed by their statutes or by some propagandistic preparation.
            But your adventure may end anytime, isn't it? There are so many and many “zero” cases that have suddenly disappeared, forever… Where is this "worth"? If tomorrow is this disappearance?!? Tell us something, let's see why you think you’re so sure that it’s so worthwhile! Secret, secret, secret, always answered… Well, perhaps not always…
            But everything you were getting, sometimes, were elements devoid of details, from which you couldn’t understand too much. More afford seems to be provided from authorized broadcasts, news and other official media sources. And, anyway, anyone would have involved their own style in the discussions, where you remain, however, with a constant…
            They all point out that death comes anyway, independent of the individual will, and they are the only ones who can boast that they have a chance to fight with it, with death… Only they could tell to death: "Not today!", "Today is a good day to die!" or "That’s how I choose to die!".
            Cheap dissimulation, highlighting, nonconformism, a general way to close the mouth of those who wish to know more… Or too many… Who knows?!? The most acidic remains his colleagues… With whom he saw, in the best case, every two years. They had come to accuse him of madness, in addition to those with “zero ranks” who accused him of stupidity…
            Significant was the incident with Vincenzo who, due to older problems with the “zero boys” had told him that he would no longer consider him a friend only because he had thought of it.
            What happened to you Dan, doesn’t your carcass sit well where it is?!? tell the others. Or, even worse… Do you think we are no longer “for your nose” and you are looking to be among the “zero guys” that would be as good as you?!?
            Well, as all of his colleagues talking each other… The most discouraging was Eleniak, an old academy colleague who, by the will of the fate became zero pilots: "What do you think Dan, that we’re all are "on the rose" as in the incorporation ads?!? Do you really think you know what do we’re doing from what can be heard by someone like you? Like… I don't think that someone risked his peace for someone like you to tell you something about what we're doing, especially because we all know you as a tormented and a dizzy guy… See the banality of your life and leave this foolish ambitions! You will find a new Ada…".
            She has nothing to do with anything about my current desires! he answered, then, nervous.
            Hmmm, and now I'm "in trouble" with Ema. Ohhh, sigh already more often than the old ladies... What was I thinking? Aaaa, yes...
            Eleniak continues with his speech: "Don't you see that you're not being able to be convincing about this! You've always had the same answer… And it is proof that you didn’t come out Ada from your head, you lunatic… You didn’t cured even now after you suffered from your own foolish feelings?!? Or do you think that, if you become “zero pilot”, do you have a chance to get ahead of him?" Thank is too high so you can have a chance to tickle at least his position…"
            Nonsense, he always told himself every time… None of the dialogues that were worn have not discouraged him. More… Might could have said that all these made him even more ambitious to become zero pilot.
            Maybe he wanted to convince himself of the inequity of his personal choice even if, once he got there, he could not give up… The zero pilots are an elite in which, once you get there, you are no longer allowed to "fall"…
            His thoughts regain their independence and he becomes even angrier as he is no longer able to follow a logical thread. Notice the glass with some alcohol and empty it out in a gulp. Fill it and… Start enjoying the drink, constantly trying to fight with the torrent of memories…
            From the carefree boy ended up a strange freak who self-mutilates with all kinds of reproaches. Why?!? He was aware that everything was due to his everlasting failings but, he had nothing to do…
In everything he was doing he put a maximum of his soul, provide maximum efforts to ensure that everything would give him the consciousness that he did everything he could but… For every time it seemed like he was failing.
            Initially, he thought that the pilot job was the best option for him, for his way of being… But, in short time, he realized that he wasn’t made for something like that. If he wasn’t mistaken, has found that even in the academy hall, even if it has never wanted to recognize that…
            And then, it was too late… In his life appeared Ada… And now he couldn’t answer the question: "Why did he renounce the search and accept the self-sacrifice for his love?".
There is also a variant in which he considers that the failure of the relationship with Ada led him to no longer like the pilot job… And especially of transport.
            The feeling that he following an Academy which he didn’t want might be due to just the relationship with Ada?!? Or Ada’s aspirations of achievement?!? He couldn’t make a distinction, a choice as direct owner of the perceptions and feelings born from this… Arguing is just a constant, painful sensation… He felt that he didn’t understand then that, Ada's realization means only another love, to provide her support, the force necessary to achieve her dreams. Dreams of power… Material or spiritual power?!? Anyway, she didn’t have a response to justify her actions. Or, that’s what she said… And…
            Hey, Ema! I’m sick of Ada… I must rest! Again I’m thinking about problems "ruminate" for years and years?!? I have to sleep, think emptying a new glass of alcohol… Holy Power, I’m really mad, exclaimed at the sight of the empty bottle of alcohol! I drank the whole bottle! I’m not healthy! I guess I've never drank that much… Damn my luck!
            Then he lay on the bed. But he’s sleepy will of alcohol, does not help at all and his thoughts resume the attack…
            The loneliness was the only disadvantage of his life. Perhaps, if he hadn’t been so alone, everything would have been different. At least it would have had a kind of goal, an objective to keep him afloat. Besides, every time he gets the chance and he’s in someone’s company, he turns incredibly. Many times he wondered about his volubility. However, everyone in his guild was taciturn… Where could he find the compromise?!?
            The activity was an older obsession of his. Once there he almost never had time for his problems. He didn’t remember exactly if, in those moments, he had so many problems of consciousness, to feel so much insecurity, uncertainty, guilt or others in everything that was connected with his soul.
            Since birth he had problems… He came into the world in a family difficult to understand, from which he really knew only the part represented by his mother… A suffocating and loving mother, given to him, but cold, far away, far from everything that was around her… And calculated in every gesture on which his life depended in his family and outside of it.
            This contrast made him feel a strange solitude, even when he was in her arms, even when he felt her caresses and kisses… He always felt cold, far away, away from everything.
            With time, all his attempts to prove to mother that, he meets the claims and chances of joining the elite "pursued" by her, were doomed to failure. Anything he did couldn’t really satisfy that creature who is in a position of his mother.
            How about dad?!? He was just a kind of distant friend… Literally… Careful, warm, good for example in life for anyone… And that’s it. In fact, he wasn’t his natural father. It was just Sir Corasdo…
            Then followed the escape attempt … No, not because he was saturated… Not! He did this because he has actually banished by Anda, his mother. Corasdo always fought for his presence beside him. But he had no chance, he was not his natural father. Or, perhaps because he wanted to save some of the image of his parents and friends. He loved them, no matter how much cold and indifference they gave to him.
            That’s how he became a student at the academy. Maybe it was not something else than his desire to make please them, to show them that he was doing it alone. But here has followed the relationship with Ada, his first and true love and… The "evil" appearance of Thank… He shivered pleasantly remembering Ada… How beautiful was everything but how unpleasant it was the loneliness that followed.
            Only me and the Holy Power… Okay, well, I admit it, more myself… Then he felt suddenly depressed. Out of the blue, he felt the tears flooded his eyes, then his cheeks… All my life I was alone… No matter how I struggled to not to be so, no matter how many people I had near and in my life… Even when I was with Ada I failed to get away from the loneliness… And, Ema, what blame does she have to be alone even if she’s with me?!? Why all this torment?!? And he remembered Ada's words:
            "Don't you really realize that even love cannot raise you from loneliness, no matter how much you try it?!? Life is the safest prison. We like to claim that it’s not like that… Or, at least, I think so… When I told you that you gave me the absolute I didn’t lie to you for any moment. But I need more than love, affection, the sensation of absolute that you gave me abundantly”.
            “It’s true that when you live love, troubles are halved and joys are doubled, but that doesn’t keep hungry away, has nothing to do with my desires about my style, of my needs that I have for presence in life in society, among friends, a certain level of safety related to my own possibilities, and so on. More! What do you think can provide the love to my children or, at least, to what I desire for my children?!? Yes, our love delighted me, caressed me, fulfill my body and my soul, but not my mind… It keeps me always alone, it always shows me that I have needs and I’m alone in battle with them because you couldn't offer anything in this regard. Thank calm my mind from all points of view, the soul accepted the compromises and the body is flesh. If you push the right buttons, the body faints under any unnatural relationship no matter the man present in your life or in your bed. And Thank, even if he will never be miracle embodied in you, Dan, he knows how to press buttons that I never knew… That’s why I came to the conclusion that I was destined to be alone even if I love you, even if I’m with Thank"…
            Even after these explanations, he never found a real motivation apropos of Ada's gesture of when… For him, everything was more wonderful than ever could live with anyone else. Every memory, pleasant or unpleasant, was alive, lived in him with the same freshness since then, since it happened. Only and only in Ada's presence. Only and only with Ada. Everything that followed later was vague traces of something that was impossible to assimilate with what he lives… Ohhh…
            And here he is, almost drunk, with a wounded heart, who doesn't want to heal, with a pile of dissatisfaction and with a great fear linked to the unknown in the morning that come.
            I really feel the need for peace! It would have been good now the warmth of the body of Ema, her embrace and her kisses… Ema!!! Perhaps there was a message from her…
            Activates the communications terminal and "opens" the first message in the list: "The application for zero pilot test has been processed. Tomorrow morning, you’re invited to the center for the start of the test. In case of no-show it will be considered that you aren’t interested in and the request will be invalidated."
For a long time, I’m not interested in your test anymore, thought Dan searching through messages a sign from Ema… Ohhh, nothing, nothing… I’m going to the Pub to find her.
            I have to do something to clarify the problem of Ema. I need to calm down! Tomorrow I get rid of all this crazy things in my soul … Ours… For all this indecision...
            But with Ada… Nothing helped me … Or?!? What the?!? What can help me? Ahhh, the pilot's zero of the "fish"!!! Hi, hi, hi, he thought, waving his hands over his face, after which let them fall heavily beside him, snooping in the armchair…
            Am I too drunk for that?!? Ugh…
            And his thoughts faded away to a new sleeping…


           
            Hint: 10. This narrative line (V10) has no "variants" (compared to the others), which is why you have only the option "Continue".
            11. It is obvious that, along the way it may be that, through the choices you'll make, you may return to this line but after many, many  "game's days" (do not forget about returning to the "last" decisions by returning to a "decision node"!)
.

Dorin M - November 28, 2017

notă translare/ translation note/ Übersetzungshinweis/ note de traduction/ nota di traduzione/ nota de traducción/ nota de tradução.

                 Dear readers in English,
            Using existing methods of translation (for the Romanian language) have still large gaps, so I proceeded to an effort to achieve, if possible, its translation (and its adaptation) for you. I apologize for the many mistakes but I am sure that my effort gives better results than existing translation engines.
            In addition, your effort to correct this text with your translations are welcome but I cannot reward your efforts, just only with mere mention of your aid, in bottom of text, where it was given and, why not, in the future, you may have a possible material reward, if my adventure will be financially successful.
            Thanks for your understanding (and help, if possible),
            Dorin M

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